This is the hardest thing I have ever had to tell you. I don't know where to begin. You need to know, and you've been so good to me you deserve to know. Before I continue, let me tell you I love you so much. I will always love you. I'm sure you know that, but I need to say it again and again.
Now, where to begin? On the day that I was born the Doctor told you,"It's a girl!" Thus, the ordeal began. My earliest memory is of walking beside David pedalling his toy car. "Why can't I have a car?," I asked myself. Girls don't get cars. I never had the words to tell you that I wasn't a girl. I knew even then that you wanted me and loved me as a girl.
Then, there was Tammy. Tea parties with Tammy were not my style, but Tammy seems to have been the only child my age on the block. So I played with her. I believe it was at this time that we painted Arleen's room pink. I hated pink. Pink is for girls. I wanted blue. Blue is for boys. Do you remember? There was no way to explain to you that I wanted blue because I was a boy. But it was Arleen's room. I don't remember where I slept at all.
Why did I get on the bus? I wanted to play boy's games with that little boy. There was no way to explain that I was a boy.
There was a fig tree in the backyard of the house near Tammy. And I remember Peggy and I in a bed pretending to be asleep when Daddy came home and not being able to prevent giggling.
I remember Daddy coming to get me when I tried to walk barefoot through stickers and ended up sitting down and getting them in my bottom. These are just snatches of memory.
I hated every minute of it. It was horrible, Boys don't have to deal with this horror. The cramps were devastatng. I don't remember them telling me about the cramps.
The older I got, the more people tried to force me into girl mode. Girls don't do that. Little ladies don't do that. You can't do that because you're a girl. There was no way to tell you I was a boy.
First, I became a boy with a horse. Then, the outlaw, Billy the Kid. Then, I was a knight and finally a prince. All of them were male roles. I was the pirate. I was the sorceror. I was the rescuer of the damsel in distress. I was the soldier. All of these were boy roles.
I kept these fantasies to myself mostly. There were times perhaps when you would catch m in them. But you dismissed it as tomboyishness.
Throughout my life I have been the boy. I have been the man. I didn't choose this. I have been miserable trying to be the girl and the woman that you expected me to be. I knew a long time ago that if I had the money I would get a sex change. I told Kenny Ham. I told William. Years ago, I told them. But there was no money so I put it off.
Dad took me to the hospital. I told the doctors everything. For the first time in my life, I was able to tell someone who could help. By the time I left the hospital, I knew that the only way I was going to survive was by getting a sex change and becoming the man I was meant to be.
Arleen gave me Bible verses which I resented since I knew the people in the Bible couldn't possibly known what the Bible said about this. Mom accused me of bringing troubles upon the family, and "what will people think". Dad told me to think about it. That was the last time anyone speak about it.
Your silence has not made it go away. I started taking testosterone in January. I have had eight testosterone shots since then. My voice has deepened. I have hair in places men grow hair (including my face). I am excited and happier than I've been in years.
Then, when I have lived as a man for a year, I will have the final surgery. It will be the construction of a phallus.
This is all very expensive, but I am certain that if I don't do it, I will not survive. I will destroy myself...commit suicide. It was very scary to come so close to doing that, and I never want to feel like that again. I know of no other way to deal with this problem. I tried so hard to be the perfect little girl. I tried so hard to be the woman you think I am. But it was killing me.
Family---let me introduce myself--I am Troy Michael Karlion Ham. In closing, I can only say I love you. I know this is hard for you,but I hope you will forgive me anyway.
Sincerely and Affectionately,